If you live in the I-95 corridor of the USA, you’d have to be living with your head under a rock stuck in the oven to NOT know that it snowed this weekend. Like, a whole lot. With the winds and the snow and all of the blizzards and the gah!
People are losing their ever loving minds over Jonas, and it is (thankfully..I guess) not of the brothers variety.
The snow started on Friday, which means that I was making my grocery list on Tuesday, and at the store by Wednesday to make sure that we got a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread and eggs before society as we know it collapsed in on itself. Because a fridge full of perishable groceries is what will see you through if you are ultimately stranded for many days.
Oh, and I also purchased cookie dough. Because I don’t do snowed in without having junk food. All of the junk food.
Every snow storm causes an inner crisis for me. For example…I don’t usually crave Taco Bell…but what if I suddenly get a craving for a cheesy gordita crunch and a mountain dew?? And then I’m trapped at home and I can’t do anything about it???
Usually right before a snow storm, I eat like I’m a prisoner ordering their last meal before execution. I want mozzarella sticks, donuts, sushi and a Denny’s Grand Slam before I’m snowed in for the rest of forever.
I don’t like my options being limited. I take comfort in knowing that stuff is still out there. Like Sherwin Williams and all of its paint chip glory. Or Radio Shack doing…whatever it is that Radio Shack still does.
If ever nature was to play a cruel joke on parents everywhere, winter would be up near the top as one of its best ever. Right there with colic, thrush and Dora the Explorer.
You think things couldn’t get worse than late night feedings, engorged breasts or a singing backpack, and suddenly you find that you were oh so very wrong, and you’re sorry you ever asked.
It’s the same way with nature. You think rainy days are bad??
Winter is the drunk friend that doesn’t know when to give it up and go home.
Here, look, I’ll show you.
1.) Dressing children – now with snow pants.
Dressing small children is usually an easy and fun experience for the whole family. Don’t you wish you could spend more time doing it? Well, now you can. Introducing the winter wardrobe. Now, with many, many layers! If the thought of trying to dress a twenty pound bag of live snakes in five layers of clothing appeals to you, you’re surely going to love trying put snow pants on a wriggling toddler.
I almost had a meltdown the other day over a pair of Minnie Mouse gloves. Because this is what my life is like from late December through March, and because I don’t know an easier way to explain to a person to put on a pair of gloves besides, “just put your fingers into the holes, sweetie…???!!?@?#%?”
2.) Loading up small children – now with more wind chill.
One of the worst parts of winter, for me, is the wind chill. I will rearrange plans so that I do not have to go out when the wind sounds any louder outside than Donald Trump.
‘Cause when we are in the middle of the supermarket parking lot, the idea of getting frostbite while I load my children who are asking me if they can have a stick of gum, or go to Chick Fil A ,or where the M&M’s are into the car sounds thrilling.
You don’t want to live every day like you are stuck in a never-ending game of the Oregon Trail? Strange…
3.) Winter days stuck inside – now with more Pinterest projects!!
Snow soup. Snow cream. Cutting out snowflakes by hand. Snow puppets. Building forts.
…I know that the internet means well, ’cause it always means well, doesn’t it? </snark>
I don’t care how helpful you insist that your list of 3,459 activities to do with your kids on a snow day is -what is it about winter that makes Pinterest think I am supposed to turn into Martha Stewart??? I am not Buddy the elf, I do not desire to cut out snowflakes from construction paper. I do not want to be outside, trying to find a patch of snow that my dogs haven’t used, so that I can make snow soup.
The only extra thing I want competing for attention in my life during winter is a hot tub.
4.) Taking them outside – now with more frostbite.
If I ever complain about my children wanting me to go outside in the heat of the summer, you all have my permission to punch me in the neck. Just wham! right in the neck. Because around here, sure, it gets hot and humid. But I don’t live in the sweltering heat of southern Florida or Texas in the summertime. So, how bad could it be?
I now realize that I have zero excuses to be outside in the spring, bumblebees be darned.
Kids don’t really care if it’s cold or wet or gray or even raining. They just want to go outside because they are apparently miniature Bear Grylls’s, testing their survival.
And since you can’t just stick a GoPro on them and hope for the best, you need to be with them. Which is sometimes painful for those who have are Winter Intolerant. Yes, that’s a thing. I made it up. I have an aversion to air that hurts my face and freezes my pipes.
Before your littles head outside to play in the snow, make sure they are properly dressed with the following:
Two pairs of socks. Pants for underneath of the snow pants. T shirt. Long sleeve shirt. Sweater. More pants. Snow bib. Boots. Gloves. Then another set of water proof gloves. Hat. Probably more pants. Gloves. Then a tarp duct taped around them for good measure. Last pair of pants.
Don’t worry. They will want to go back inside within 23 minutes.
Seriously, though…I am not always the biggest fan of winter. I used to hook my dog up to a sled to make her pull me around the yard when I was growing up. Like, what happened to me? Where do my inner snowflake go?
Truth be told, I was loathing the idea of going outside with my children today. But after we all layered and bundled up and drug out the sled, we had a blast.
So, the moral of the story is…
Just get over it and get out there and have fun and make memories and do all of the things your inner cynic tells you not to do.
It’ll be worth it.
Oh, and also, your kids think it’s super funny when you hit them with snowballs, even though we all kind of know that it lets out the tiniest bit of tension when you do. Your spouse on the other hand does know…just saying.