Things I Missed in “Home Alone.”

You all know the drill.

Little Kevin McCallister is left home alone by his parents as they sojourn to Paris (like ya do) for the Christmas holiday.

At first Kevin enjoys his freedom from his jerky acrimonious family, until two bandits set their sites on pillaging the family home, thinking everyone is out of town. Kevin resorts to his wits and matchbox cars to protect his home from two bumbling thieves. Uproarious good times ensue. 

Right?

Have you WATCHED this movie recently, parents?? Have you done so with children in the room with you? I did just this past weekend and was almost no good. 

Here are a “few” things I missed about Home Alone before now: 

How absurdly wealthy Kevin’s family must be. Seriously, the film opens on a home in a beautiful, upscale suburb of Chicago. This house is, like, 3,000+ square feet and possibly made out of gold. #1percent

home alone

Why can’t Kevin’s mother just talk to him for, like, three seconds?

Actually…I can understand why Kevin’s mom couldn’t just talk to him for three seconds. 

Why on Earth would she think he was able to pack his own suitcase?? Yea, cause that’s a job I’d give my eight year old kid. “Hey, son, we need to leave the country, so could you just go ahead and pack enough stuff to hold you over for two weeks? I totally trust you…”

Kevin’s siblings are a**hats. Every. Last. One of them.

When Kevin asks his oldest brother for help, his brother proceeds to swear at him before telling him a story about a local neighborhood man who murdered his family with a snow shovel, and stuffed them in the trash can he uses to tote around the salt he spreads on the sidewalks. I would hate to see this kid’s therapy bill one day.

Why is Fuller drinking a sugary, caffeinated beverage late in the evening if he is a bedwetter and the family wants to put him in Kevin’s bed?? Like heck, Fuller, LIKE.HECK.  

fuller

After watching Kevin be treated like garbage for the first 10 minutes of the movie, I’m starting to see why Kevin wishes his family would just disappear. 

That pizza guy is super chill about no one having paid the $120 tab yet…

I know that when my children piss me off, I just put them in the attic for the rest of the night. Problem solved! 

What Kevin should have said as his mom was sending him upstairs: “Wait a second, mom, you have somewhere else to put Fuller?? Well, why didn’t you just do that in the first place instead of trying to put me in bed with someone who might pee all over me??

Okay, so, when everyone wakes up late the next morning and hurries out the door to catch their plane to Paris,  all 11 of the children are presumed accounted for without their parents even looking at them. Cause, you know, I would totally go all morning without so much as even looking at any of my children, and then trust a teenager to make sure they are where they need to be right before we all jump into a van headed to the airport to leave the country. Before any of you say that they were in too much of a hurry to do so, the parents had time to make and drink coffee and shower, people. If you have time to drink your coffee, you have time to put eyes on your child/children. 

Does anyone else wish you could talk to pesky kids the way that van driver did to the nosy neighborhood kid from across the street?? “Hi, mister, how are you?” “Beat it, kid.” That driver would be flogged if he talked to someone’s precious snowflake like that now a days.

I know this movie is old cause they all be through security in, like, five minutes. 

The parents get on the plane and they are flying first class and drinking while the kids are back in coach. Finally, these parents are doing something I totally agree with.

I missed the part where after Kevin discovers he is alone he unknowingly goes through his brother’s PORN STASH. Whaaat?

Kevin enjoys playing with his BB gun. People would be assuming that this scene is a political statement if it was in a movie made today.

The mother FINALLY realizes she left Kevin. After worrying about whether or not she turned off the coffee pot, locked the front door and if she closed up the garage. “I knew something was off…”

home alone 2

That dad doesn’t seem to feel even the least bit sad/worried about his son being left home alone. Why is it only the mom who feels like a turd, exactly?

Kevin is, like, uber resourceful for such a little fellow. I can’t wait to hear how he talks to his children one day. “Back in my day, son, when my parents completely forgot me at home while they left the country, I had to order pizzas myself…”

Why don’t the police seem even slightly alarmed about the prospect of a child being left home alone??  Now a days, there might be a multi- unit response, CPS would be there within, like, six minutes and the movie would be over.

That husband didn’t even bother to offer to sleep at the airport and let the wife go back to wherever they were staying. “Lol, see ya later, hun.”

Am I the only parent who would hate to have to book a return flight home after telling the attendant that I left my son IN ANOTHER COUNTRY?? That family would be trending on Twitter before even getting on the plane if someone caught wind of this happening.

Kate attempts numerous ways to get home before ending up in Scranton, PA, with “no other options.” Um, am I the only one thinking that renting a car and just driving would probably be the fastest option at this point??

The pizza delivery guy: So, he hears what he sincerely believes is gunfire. Scratch that, not JUST gunfire, but machine gun fire being shot at him, but he just jumps in his car, drives off and never reports it?

These thieves are not even legit. I could never be scared of Joe Pesci. Never. 

home alone 5

Kevin is way too chill about that tarantula being loose in his house. 

LOL at Kevin harassing the store clerk about the tooth brush. We parents get questions like that all of the time, lady. Now, it’s your turn.

Seriously, though, how does she figure out the answer without googling it on her smart phone? I’m suddenly aware of just how much like the Oregon Trail the 90’s must have been. 

Why did Kevin use the aftershave again after it practically burned his skin off the first time???

Kevin CONVENIENTLY overhears the world’s two most inept thieves plotting to come back and rob the house later that night, knowing now that Kevin is HOME ALONE <— See what I did there?? 

This movie is about to get real.

Aw, Marv is afraid of the dark. So am I. #bffs

The traps Kevin set up are totally things that any kid could do on their own. And since most parents usually have a bucket of tar and a blow torch just laying around where the kids can grab it for situations like this…

home alone 3

After Harry gets shot in the junk through the doggy door…why would Marv just stick his head in??!

Why does Harry HAVE to use the front stairs once he realizes they are covered ice, can’t he just go around them in the bushes?? Or did he not want to ruin the landscaping…even though he was about to trash the house and assault someone’s child once inside? 

Wow…this little kid is trying to burn the heck out of these thieves….

…and Harry stood under that fire for way too long in the kitchen. I’m not even sure I feel sorry for him anymore.

I’m pretty sure that after my scalp was burnt to a crisp, I would have given up and left. No Super Nintendo or VCR is worth it.

home alone 4

This kid is going to have SO MUCH cleaning up to do before his parents get home. I’d be very proud of my children for deterring robbers from raiding our home…but they’d still need to clean up all of the feathers in my dining room. 

Did he just threaten to snap off Kevin’s ju-ju beans???

I like how Harry isn’t much phased by his burnt hand or head, but when he trips over a piece of string, he’s knocked out cold. 

Marv’s reaction to the tarantula is appropriate. 

home-alone-spider

I see nothing wrong with attempting to kill a tarantula with a crow bar. 

They seriously followed that kid out onto the rope, instead of going back through the house to get outside to catch him? This was the most solid plan they could come up with??

Marv gives in to peer pressure way too much.

If Kevin had the foresight to call 911 and send the police to the house across the street…why not just call the police when the robbers broke in to begin with??  ‘Cause he wanted to burn and tar and injure them, that’s why. 

The day is saved!! 

That police response time is leaving something to be desired, though…how long ago did Kevin dial 911??

If Kevin can cut down and decorate a tree, decorate the inside of the house, tar, feather, and flog two robbers, and still leave milk and cookies for santa…my children should be able to do dishes by now, don’t you think?

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The family is home!! Yay!!

Annnd…they literally just patted Kevin on the back, said “whoops, sorry bout that, lolz,” and then left him again to go do whatever. Seriously, people???

So, Kevin had time to clean up the rest of the house, but didn’t even bother to touch Buzz’s room. Word. 

If this movie were released today we would all be discussing and worrying about whether or not we felt the film was politically correct and socially conscious enough, thus sucking any lasting joy out of it for years to come. 

This movie is proof that poor parenting choices can lead to very hilarious things. Right?

 

That’s all I got. May your holidays be filled with questionable movie watching with your own children. 🙂

 

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8 thoughts on “Things I Missed in “Home Alone.”

  1. Randi says:

    OMG this was freaking HILARIOUS. Thank you! So nice to see bloggers with a sense of humor:) I found you through the Meetup Monday link party and I’m so glad I clicked on this post- it made my morning. Wish there was something I could cleverly add, but it’s too early to be creative lol.

    Like

  2. Homemade Experience says:

    HAHA! All of this. Isn’t there a Home Alone 2 and 3, too? It happened two more times?! I haven’t watched this movie since I was a kid and I think there’s a reason: I get super PISSED at movies that are absolutely and absurdly illogical, and after reading this, I think I’d get about 10 minutes in and turn it off at this point in my life!

    Like

    • ashleylecompte says:

      There is a Home Alone 2, with the same kid, and then a third AND fourth but with different children. Not sure if that makes it any better or not though? Haha! I think sometimes that bugs me, too. Home Alone holds a lot of nostalgia for me, but whenever shows or movies just become too improbable then it’s hard for me to enjoy sometimes. Even when characters seem too “charactary” and not “real” enough (which is ridiculous). Sometimes, I just sit there and shake my head, because no real person would ever make this choice or that choice. If any of that makes sense.

      Thank you for commenting!!

      Liked by 1 person

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