I live my life in a filtered sort of fashion.
It’s better this way, because on occasion, the thoughts in my head come out. Either in words or on paper. And then you have stuff like this….
1.) The cashier at the grocery store
You actually just asked me if you should bury my chocolate in the bottom of a random grocery bag….instead of placing it in my hand??
Or worse….did you just assume you should bag it, and then cover it with grapes, sour cream and baby carrots? Did you purposely hide my treat underneath vegetables just to throw me off the scent??
I always thought we had an understanding, you and me. Maybe I thought wrong.
Maybe you want to see the look of panic wash across my face when I’m in the parking lot, stressed out of my ever-loving mind, sweat running down the back of my shirt while my children ask repeatedly if we can go to Chick Fil A while I frantically search for the chocolate bar I was SURE I just bought.
You want to see me go through waves of an existential crisis right next to the cart corral don’t you?
What makes you think that anything chocolate or made entirely out of carbohydrates is not going directly into my mouth the moment my children are strapped into their car seats??!?
Quit playing, and give me my chocolate. Right. Now.
2.) The lady in front of me at Starbucks who is taking too long to order
If this is your first time at a Starbucks, then please, accept my sincerest apologies. Please take four minutes to decide which item you want. It’s a wonderful experience.
But chances are if you’re a red-blooded, coffee drinkin’, tabacca spittin’ American, you’ve been here before. And everybody knows what they drink at Starbucks. They just do. It’s practically as important as your blood type, social security number and Netflix password.
Do you not hear my child melting down in my cart? This is coffee we are dealing with, not missiles. And I need coffee more than you right now.
Quit playing and move.
3.) To the people who tell me to enjoy every moment.
You’re right. I should totally enjoy it when my kid is melting down over a pair of Minnie Mouse swimming goggles.
I should be loving it when a child appears at my bedside at 7 am on a Saturday and asks me to go out to the van to fetch a missing toy for them.
Sometimes, parenting isn’t all that fun. Sometimes, I’m only saying SOMETIMES, moms go through waves of doubt or stress or anxiety at the thought of having to get it all done and over how to best love their babies.
Parenting is not something we would change. And because we don’t enjoy every.moment. does not mean that we don’t love being moms. It also doesn’t mean that we need someone to pop up out of nowhere to remind us to enjoy it. That only serves to make us feel worse than we probably already do.
I know that one day they will all be moved out, and my bliss at having the home to myself will fade to a longing for the good old days of spilled milk and puréed baby food. Let me grapple with that fact in due time while you enjoy cleaning your rose-colored glasses.
And quit playing.
4.) To the parents who don’t watch their kids at Chick fil A
I love it when there are 11 children in the play area at Chick Fil A. I love it even more when there are 11 children in the play area at Chick Fil A AND there are only three adults actually watching them.
I love the idea of a fellow parent being able to enjoy a quiet lunch. But not while their miniature love demon terrorizes mine and all of the other children. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t want to hear 11 different high-pitched screams inside of a 25×15 foot space.
Just because the wall is glass doesn’t make it any better. Great, now you can ACTUALLY SEE your child sticking their finger in my kid’s eye, as opposed to at home, where you would have to be bothered with that whole getting up nonsense to actually know what’s going on in the other room. Score!!
And no, your five and a half-foot tall child does not belong in the toddler area or sliding down the slide.
So quit playing.
5.) To the Childless people who park right up front at stores or use family restrooms when they don’t have kids.
You and your tiny two-door, shoe-sized car need to park right. out. front.
I know how heavy it is to carry yourself AND your keys AND your wallet.
Please, make sure you race to the nearest parking spot before I can park there with my minivan with three other human beings inside it. I wouldn’t want you to tire yourself out walking. Not when I can surely lug a car seat, hold a death grip on my other children and walk a quarter of a mile to the front of the store. I have two hands don’t I?? #blessed
And while you’re at it, child-free, close parking-spot taking person, you should TOTALLY use the ONLY family restroom at the Target store, even though you don’t have any children or disabilities that would necessitate you doing so.
There is nothing I like seeing more than a 30-year-old woman strolling freely out of the family restroom by herself while my kids are all pulling at their pants, holding on to their business for dear life.
Knowing you had a blissful bathroom experience, when the normal adult bathroom isn’t even full, means a lot to me. I totally wasn’t scanning to see if you had an artificial limb that I missed before giving you stink eye….no worries at all.
Actually, no. You can do your business in the normal, three-foot wide bathroom stall. Because your five minutes spent in three feet of cramped privacy is more tranquil than my entire week.
So, QUIT PLAYING.
6.) The “I’m tired” person.
I know. I know I know I KNOW.
There are people out there who have LEGITIMATE reasons to be tired, even though they don’t have children.
Like brick layers. The guys who work on oil rigs. Doctors. Or Power Rangers.
I’m not foolish enough to think that I’m the only legitimately tired person out of all the folks I know.
But…see, when I say that I am tired, understand that I’ve been tired since…pretty much the fall of 2008. And my house was last clean somewhere in the vicinity of 2013. I don’t have two days off work each week to catch up on sleep. My brain cells were siphoned out of my hoo-ha the moment I popped a kid out. And it’s been a slow, steady leak ever since.
So when you say you’re tired, pardon me while readjust my eyes to being forward facing, instead of in the side-eyed position.
And quit playing.