A pregnancy rant: It’s 2015, and we still know squat about pregnancy

We have learned nothing. And we have no excuses. In the last two years, we have learned absolutely nothing new about pregnancy and child-birth. 

How do I know this?

Because Kate Middleton just had a baby. And everybody has lost their collective minds. 

Yes, I follow news on the royal family, because shut up, so do you. Don’t act like just because you’re an American that, “it doesn’t or shouldn’t matter.” Are you kidding me

Why not? I like Kate. Her arse isn’t hanging out of every outfit she puts on, and she doesn’t have a cloying reality show that we all can’t escape from.

In every effort to avoid the news and the upcoming presidential election, I will happily look at pictures of a gorgeous newborn baby and yet another awe-inspiring bespoke Jenny Packham gown for Kate Middleton.

I also find it incredibly admirable that she works with charities that promote therapy through the arts, aids individuals who are riddled with addiction, and provide children’s hospice services.

I’ll take that over CNN almost any day.

SO, anyway, Kate had another baby. 

katebaby-700x360

To put it into perspective, even celebrities in the upper echelons of Hollywood do NOT have this kind of pressure when they are about to have a baby. The closest that I have seen in my lifetime was Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and that is as much fervor as you are going to see over a celebrity baby, probably, ever again. 

Since this was her second baby, I naturally assumed (dumb) that there wouldn’t be such hysteria this go around (wrong.) The general public and media would surely wait for the news that the baby had come, and act like rational people do when babies are afoot.

As excited and ready as we were for her to deliver, I can almost guarantee 1000%that Kate was even more so. Try to tell a pregnant woman how much you simply can’t wait for her to Give birth, and see if you don’t get a box of Swiss Cake Rolls thrown straight at your head. 

Just kidding, a pregnant lady would never waste those.

Instead, we were treated to three weeks of baby “countdowns,” ridiculous speculation and the opinions of “experts” willing to sit down and have a chat with tabloids to inform us morons about how babies “work.” 

I can’t tell if it’s the media I should be angry with, or the general population. 

I mean, really…do we not know how labor and delivery work? Do we not know how long pregnancies are? Do we not know that babies are sometimes late???

I get lost trying to picture either the writers behind their keyboards typing this stuff up, and the people at home, reading the news and nodding in awe of such pertinent information.

“Babies come out of vaginas…interesting…”

Should there be a third royal baby, I would like the media and the masses to keep a few things in mind for the next go round:

1.) Babies come when they want to come

Pregnancies are 40 weeks. For some reason, though, we still consider it a nine-month process, which both confuses and irritates me. I feel like this factoid needs to be spelled out somewhere so that us women can have our dues.

While a woman is given a due date, it is highly unlikely she will deliver on or even by the actual due date. In fact, quite a few go early, as they are safely still considered full-term a few weeks prior to their due date. But quite a few also go later than their estimated due date.

Women are typically allowed to wait until up to 2 weeks past their due date (or roughly 42 weeks of pregnancy) before being induced for fear of complications. Women are full term around 38 or 39 weeks, though some deliver even before that and are just fine.

Here is a fun fact: due dates are estimations. Which means that the 40 week mark is just a guesstimate, not an exact science. Doctors make every effort to be as close as they can when calculating a due date, but that date can be wrong by several days, perhaps even a week in either direction. And as with everything related to pregnancy, weeks, and even days, can make a huge bit of difference. 

In other words: “here is about the date that your baby will come, but probably not, but probably. Your baby could maybe probably come early. Or your baby could possibly probably come late. But your baby will probably sort of come around this date. But probably not. Enjoy your indigestion and swelling.”

2.) Yes, women can deliver quickly,

especially so after their first child:

People were shocked, SHOCKED I SAY, that Kate delivered within three hours after being admitted to the hospital. Quick or not, consider these two things:

– If Kate truly went to the hospital right after going into labor, and did deliver naturally within several hours from the onset of labor, it was probably a.) still not fast enough for her and b.) no cake walk. It was still an 8 lb.+ object passing through a relatively small opening. Ouch.

-Kate may have very well labored at home for some time as opposed to going straight to the hospital, and dealing with the mass hysteria of people outside with cameras, who would gladly take a photo of her cervix if they had the chance.  

Many women choose to labor at home, where they feel more relaxed and comfortable. It is not unsafe and not uncommon. In fact, in the case of a “typical” pregnancy, women are urged to spend some time laboring at home prior to going to the hospital.

Yes, women can deliver quickly, especially if it is not their first child. In the case of a mom having a second go around with giving birth, it’s one of the few “perks” that nature gives you.

“At least your labor probably won’t be 28 hours this time. Hooray! Oh, but your new infant will keep you up at night while your toddler runs you ragged during the day. And your uterus is gonna hurt more this time as it contracts back down to normal size. But at least you won’t labor as long, so you can get home faster….

Whatever. Calm. Down. People.

51728581 The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge outside St Mary's hospital with their new born baby girl in London, UK on May 2, 2015. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge outside St Mary's hospital with their new born baby girl in London, UK on May 2, 2015. Pictured: Prince William, Kate Middleton FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (818) 307-4813 RESTRICTIONS APPLY: USA ONLY

3.) No, women don’t typically look like Kate Middleton did roughly ten hours after giving birth.

I’m not sure how much magic Kate Middleton actually has in that wavy brown hair of hers. It’s probably full of secrets, like Gretchen Weiner’s. Or, perhaps, she has a stylist, a hair dresser, a makeup artist and an assistant hiding up those bespoke sleeves of hers. That seems the more likely answer.

But she looked darn good right after delivery.

I won’t fault her for it.

If BILLIONS, that’s right, b-i-l-l-i-o-n-s of people, were going to be looking at me right after delivery, I’d ask for the best pain meds the doctor had on hand, pull up my mesh underwear, throw on some spanx, and call in my dream team to help me look like I wasn’t just run over by a truck.  Step aside, Avengers, this is a job for stylists. 

Women deal with quite a lot of pressure in general when it comes to their looks, let alone actually being allowed to look like they just gave birth, ya know, right after they give birth.

The media freaked when Kate’s grey hair grew out a touch during this pregnancy. So heaven forbid she leave the hospital in a wheelchair or looking gimpy or (gasp) swollen.

Even though we wonder why Kate made such a fuss over her looks, the collective media will soon be looking for immediate signs that Kate has since recovered from having a baby (read: flat stomach.)

The media constantly acts confused by the standards that they set. Shocking, I know.

I would want to look like she did on any normal day, let alone right after giving birth. You would, too.

kate-middleton-prince-william

4.) She went home too quickly – depends on who you ask?

I didn’t leave the hospital for nearly 5 days after my last baby was born. I was too busy hobbling the 6 feet from the bed to the bathroom in all of my Eye of the Tiger glory. Granted, I had a c-section, my third actually. But I could not have imagined going home within 10 hours. 

But I can see the appeal. 

Being in MY bed, in the privacy of MY home, with MY family and friends nearby, and getting back to my children? Yes, that all sounds lovely. Who wants to stay in a hospital with an uncomfortable bed, where bed checks are going to wake you up every two hours so that they can poke on your uterus. Even if in my case that is something that would never have happened, and that is not something I would fault other parents for.

I give William and Kate enough credit to not be rash in their decision-making. They have access to the best of the best when it comes to medical professionals. And I’m sure that those professionals are willing to make house calls to the future king and queen of England. 

Plus, it isn’t as if Kate was going home to peacefully lounge. Big brother G will be sure that there is no time for lounging.  I’m sure that one week later the grace period will be over, and George will soon be dropping toys on his younger sister and poking her in the eye, like siblings do.

There you have it. How amazing would it be if for the third time, she just emerged in sweat pants bought at Target, with a messy bun and eating from a box of donuts? 

Just kidding, I never did that after having a baby….*cough*

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10 thoughts on “A pregnancy rant: It’s 2015, and we still know squat about pregnancy

  1. pennypinchingpeach says:

    LOL! Very cute take on the whole craziness around royal babies, and especially theirs….and pregnancy in general. I didn’t give a hoot what I looked like leaving the hospital, but I probably would have it hordes of photographers were waiting to blast my image all over the media worldwide! What woman wouldn’t want to put her best face forward then? And collapse on that royal sofa when she got home, ringing the royal bell for more drinks and pillows. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Less to More says:

    I don’t fault her either for looking so good after delivery. After my first baby and seeing how awful I looked in all the hospital pictures, I made sure to pack some makeup with me with all my other babies after that. Of course I didn’t have a beautification team with me, so I just made do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ashleylecompte says:

      You sound like you were prepared? I’m sure you looked beautiful. I never really took many photos of myself while I was recovering. Now I wish that I had. No matter what, I would know that I had them. But oh, the things we could do if we had people to HELP us look beautiful.

      Like

  3. Melissa says:

    Hey, if I knew a million pictures were going to be taken of me after the birth of my kids, I would have put on some makeup and straightened/curled my hair too. That 9 month thing really bothers me. You always hear “nine months” and then when you get pregnant all the baby books talk about 40 weeks.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. BECCA says:

    I think it’s really weird that they start counting “weeks” from the first day of your last period. Most women haven’t even conceived yet! No wonder the due dates are so off!!!! :/

    Liked by 1 person

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