In honor of Monday (just why should Friday get all of the glory, anyway??) here is a new post for all of you that is worthy of the label “Monday.”
If posts about how children can sometimes be annoying attention stealing little worms offends your genteel parenting sensibilities, I suggest that you look away now.
I love my children. I love almost all children. I have written of that fact numerous times on the old blog. But today??? Eeegats! My kids sometimes have the uncanny ability to drive me up. the. wall.
Any parent can attest to this with their own children. And for every awful parenting hurdle and story that any mom and dad has, there is always a parent out there with a far worse tale to tell.
I know that I have it good. Most all parents know that so long as our beautiful children are healthy and happy, we have more than we could have ever asked for.
That doesn’t mean that they don’t on occasion make our eyes twitch and require us to self-medicate with multiple cups of coffee early in the morning. Am I right, moms and dads?
Here are five ways that our kids can drive us nuts:
1.) They. Know.
Trying to squeeze in an extra thirty minutes to yourself on a quieter than usual afternoon? Trying to be somewhere on time? Trying especially hard to conceal something (like that box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch up in your cereal cubbard)? Trying to go to the bathroom for three and a half minutes by yourself?
Are you trying to accomplish ANYTHING with as little resistance or interference from your children as humanly possible?
Guess what? THEY. KNOW.
This afternoon I had timed it so that I could have roughly 90 minutes to myself if I could get my youngest down for her nap just a skoosh early. I could be off duty until her brother got home from school. It would be glorious.
Note the word “could.” If I COULD get her down for her nap early. If she didn’t take her time…chewing…each….bite of her lunch. I had to stand over her and do my best mom voice and mom stare while trying to make her eat muy rapido.
I am 99% sure that she knew in the back of her perfect little mind that mommy was trying to do something for herself. Her default settings then kicked in and she was therefore programmed to resist as best she could. Our sweet babies – they just know.
They know the mornings that you need to shower since it’s been, like, three days since you last had one are the ones that they should fight like cats and dogs with one another or be particularly needy. Or they know that when your coffee pot has just finished brewing and you were about to sit down with a fresh cup of coffee to enjoy they should bump their head on the side table. They just know. I don’t know how they do it, but they do.
Why can’t they know useful things. Like the winning numbers for the lotto? Or who let the dogs out?
2.) Dodge and Deflect
Say the words, “bed time!!!” to your children and let the crisis unfold.
They need something to eat. They need a snack. Not crackers, they want string cheese. They need a drink because they had a snack. They can’t find that one special toy. They forgot how to close their eyes. It hurts them to close their eyes. They wanted to wear Ninja Turtle pajamas, not Angry Birds. They need another drink. They want to ask you questions about that one time that you visited the zoo early this year. They need to poop. They should probably have another snack. They are too tired to close their eyes. They don’t want to lay alone in their bed.
You finally lay them down….
…only to hear little feet coming back down the stairs. They forgot to tell you something. They tell you. Now you need to walk back up with them so that they don’t have to walk in the spooky dark hallway by themselves and tuck them back in bed.
Repeat 32 billion times.
3.) Only you
There can only be one Highlander? Phffft, whatever. Know who there can only be one of? Mom.
Only mom can…
Wipe their bottom. Tuck them into bed. Read them a story. Feed them. Find their missing toy. Snuggle them. Feed them again. Put their shoes on. Comfort them when they stub their toes. Walk out to the van in the middle of the night to find their tiny stuffed baby cheetah.
Only mom. Even though dad is, like, literally right over there.
4.) What do you have?
Did you just make yourself a big plate of lunch that you were hoping to sit down in peace to enjoy? Thinking about turning on the television to watch anything other than Spongebob or Little Einsteins? Tried breaking out the iPad for just a few leisurely minutes with your best friend Pinterest?
You should know better.
The second that my television goes on, my children are wondering what I’m watching, why we can’t watch something else, if Paw Patrol is on and if they can watch the one about the Paw Patrol saving so-and-so. Or, when it comes to my lunch, I may have a big bowl of ramen noodles, (I can’t even have food that costs 20 cents a pack and enjoy it in peace) and there will suddenly be several extra heads peeking down into the bowl wondering what I’m eating, if it’s hot and if they can try some.
Try really hard not to laugh at me when I tell you about the times that I have tried to sneak Rolo’s or some other delectable treat into the same car as my children after a trip to the grocery store thinking it would work. They can note the sound of tinfoil being unwrapped from 3 miles away.
If you have it or are doing it, chances are they’re going to want it or they’re going to want to participate in it with you. This is endearing for making cookies in the kitchen. Not always for when you’re trying to finally eat your breakfast at almost lunch time.
5.) They grow up.
I know, I know. I went into this half-hearted. I can’t really leave off a post like this on a negative or cynical tone. The truth is that this really is one way that my babies drive me nuts. For all of the previously mentioned things that they do, for as insane as they can make us, the sad truth is that…we’d miss them if they weren’t here to do them. We are now accustomed to feeling like a possum and having small beings hanging off of us. We are used to being woken in the middle of the night because of bad dreams.
I am, however, not used to the fact that my son can now swing himself on the swing set. Or that my daughter is starting to be able to dress and undress herself. It comes so quickly, and you don’t always realize it until it’s upon you. They slowly need and seek you out less and less. And it’s mind-boggling.
So, for all of their mischievous and rotten ways, they’re ours. And they don’t stay this way for nearly long enough.
Can I get an amen?
There, I did it. I hope you’re all happy.