I’m in a motherhood rut. Not even that, a rut in general.
Everything has gotten to me lately. The messy house, the children and their occasional disobedience. Lack of energy, lack of time, lack of personal space. I look around and see glasses half empty. I see tasks unfinished. I see things that I either can’t get on top of, or things that I don’t even have the faintest desire to even try to tackle. I’m in a mode where all that I am primarily concerned with is existing, with getting through each day until nap time and bed time. With getting through all of the days until the weekend. I’m concerned merely with enduring, not with connection or attachment. I look around and see all of the things that I don’t believe that I can do. I see everything that I want to give up on.
It’s taken a little while to admit to myself and to a few others just how I’m feeling these days. I’d rather be fuzzy on the details when someone asks how I’ve been and joke that I want a nap or a day out to myself. The truth is that I need so much more than either of those things, I need a realignment. I need a shift in my own heart, in the way that I see things. I need to change just what it is I’m seeking after. I need to have the haze around me lifted, so that I can see things from more than just my point of view and see them from eternity’s eyes instead of my own limited vision.
I can’t see past the messy house. I can’t see past the to-do lists. I can’t see past the lack of sleep on some days. I can’t see past the children who have driven me just a little bit crazy lately. I can’t see past the expectations that people have of me. But it isn’t just that I have no vision, or even actually attempt to have a vision of grander things, of the greater purpose. It’s that I fool myself sometimes into thinking that I do. And when I do, either one of two things happen: I make my OWN set of plans for how things should be, for how I want them to go. OR, I convince myself that things are the way that they are and that maybe one day they will magically be better.
I’ve been reading Oswald Chambers lately, and in one of his daily devotions he talks about our stubbornness in letting God grow us where He would have us. Sometimes, I refuse to let myself put down roots where God would have me. I have an idea of what I want my life to be. And when that happens, when I am so caught up in the presuppositions of what I think I should have or in what I should be allowed for everything else becomes the enemy. The home, the children, the responsibilities of daily life. Anything that stands in my way or dares to interrupt my time, ambitions or desires? They’re the antagonists. I would rather coil up in my own shell with my own agenda than allow God to glorify Himself in my life, than allow Him to work in my life to cause beautiful things to grow. Would I rather be a sapling, or would I rather be a magnificent oak tree? Whose roots run deep, whose foundation is buried strong within the earth, stretching out in all directions??
The answer would seem to be obvious, but alas, it isn’t always. It is most certainly at odds with my nature to give in, it is at odds with my flesh to allow anything other than my festering desires to grow. And what comes from all of this? Frustration. Struggle. Turmoil.
Trials that I create for myself, by myself.
There are many causes to how I am feeling lately. But I can’t help but feel as though a large part of my problem is my lack of belief on God’s part.
Am I really saved?
Am I really where He would have me?
Can I really have life and have it abundantly?
Is it all really forgiven and accomplished?
It’s the equivalent of the serpent saying, “Did God SAY..?” That hissing in the back of my mind, those doubts…they cause me to want to fix things myself. They make me want to put the band-aid over a gaping wound. They make me want to fix things myself instead of allowing God to work. They’re useless thoughts. These seeds of doubt are what I am allowing to take root instead of God’s truth. Do we really believe that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength? That He has raised us up, with a purpose, to be His witness to all of the Earth? Do we believe that there is shelter beneath His wings, safety in His hands? Do we believe in the master plan, the ultimate and eternal design? The final destination?
And if we do, or say that we do…do these truths settle into our bones? Do these truths comfort us our in weakened state? Or do we say, ” yea, yea” and let the power slip past us? Or worse, do we think that God needs OUR help? If we believe these words, there would be nothing to doubt, to fear or to anguish over. There will always be fear and pain, certainly. But do we brace ourselves and boast and laugh at the worries of tomorrow because we have a mighty God on our side?
I’m tired of living emptily. I’m tired of suspending my disbelief, accepting the superficial for the sake of empty performance. It isn’t enough. I am not enough.
Praise God that I am not enough and that He and He alone is.