Motherhood Trenches

My husband knew that it was me on the end other before I had even uttered a word into the phone. The wailing children in the background gave me away as he uttered his normal phone greeting before trailing off about halfway through. “Hello?…” he asked. “Hi.” I answered solemnly. There just weren’t words. There are the days where the aggravation and chaos is so palpable that you can’t help but start off on a tangent before you are even asked how things are going. Then there are the days where the tiredness is so heavy, the feelings of defeat so close that you don’t even want to talk about it, you don’t want to answer the “so…how’s it going” question. You aren’t waiting for an opportunity to dive right in and vent. You just want to get down to business and move on.

That was the kind of day today.

The kids were a touch more mischievous than normal, a bit more fussy then they have been in a while and my three-year old was more than a handful, he was a truck full.

Today, I didn’t want it to be so. I didn’t want to fight my child who insisted on trying to touch a urinal while going to the bathroom. I didn’t want to deal with the child who kept pulling Christmas ornaments off of the Christmas tree and breaking them – we are at three and counting in one day. I didn’t want to fight my one year old from putting magnets into her mouth. I just didn’t want to do it today. This is real, this is motherhood. This is true rawness in all it’s glory sometimes. These are the days where all that you can do is make the pb&j sandwiches, put the shoes on those little feet and get done what laundry you can get done. This is reality. I’ll get to making that homemade granola another day. Those towels will end up folded…at least at some point this week. And I shall have earned my sleep tonight when I collapse into bed.

My kiddos are happy. They had a good day. They were fed. They were played with (although it felt lackluster on mommy’s part) and they are smiling. This is surely what matters most. That is what gets me through, that I know that my job is done. At least for today.

I read a devotional today that referenced Jesus as being the bright morning star. How glorious that sounds. That He would be my bright morning star. That He would be my guide when things are dark. That He would reside in me and shine forth, especially when I have nothing else to offer anyone around me. Somehow, knowing that it is He that shines brightly gives me the peace to sleep tonight. Such a beautiful picture.

Happy Monday, everyone.

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