Trying To Fight The Urge To Take A Nap…

I always feel like taking a nap would be a “waste” of what could be quality personal time. I know, I know…that is a stupid thing to say. But I feel like once my kids fall asleep for their afternoon nap I’m almost always torn. Should I A.) Use this time as a chance to be productive, B.) Instead of being productive, be lazy and watch television or read or C.) Forgeddaboudit and GO TO SLEEP. Today, or for now, I have chosen to blog. “You should probably start dinner” is what you may be thinking but you can’t tell me what to do, so quit trying.

Lately, I’ve been having some up’s and down’s in the “self confidence” area. My body hasn’t exactly returned to form since having Clara in June. In fact…it really doesn’t have a form other than flabby these days. I’m trying to accept my body the way that it is and for what it was designed to do. Every time I find a footing for accepting my body for how it is, something, or rather someone, pulls the rug out from under me. Case in point: I scoured the clearance rack outside of a consignment store in Easton last week. And for my efforts I found a Banana Republic skirt for A DOLLAR!! Yes, people, a dollar. It wasn’t in my size but I hate to pass something like that up. Someone came to mind that I could buy it for, so I took it inside to check out. While I’m checking out, the cashier, who was on the snooty side, sized me up and then looked at the skirt.

“Did you try this one??”

*awkward silence*

“No, it isn’t for me.”

*more awkward silence*

“…Oh.”

Great. I walked out a little dazed about what had happened. It was one of those surreal moments where you don’t realize what just occurred until it is over and done with. Normally, I’m pretty quick on my toes with comebacks, but not in that instance. I’m glad I found the skirt and I hope the woman (or GENTLEMAN??? Eh….EH??) that I have in mind will appreciate it as well. It would be great to know that the insult was worth it. I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself, or what I expect or hope to look like. No matter. What is perfect? WHO is perfect? Everyone wants to change something about themselves and would if they could. And quibbling over weight or shape does seem to be a very selfish problem at times.

Sure, I want to start taking better care of myself. But that has to come from much better attitude than, “I’m not good enough.” I believe in my heart of hearts that my husband thinks I’m a babe. AND I get hit on by creepy waiters at Plaza Tapatia so that has to stand for something, right? RIGHT? My creator says that He knows me intimately, and that He created me and wove me together in a design all my own. Indeed, my soul knows this. But sometimes, telling your heart or your head what is true is an uphill battle. My legs and arms may not look like Kate Middleton’s or my waist may not be as small as Scarlett Johanssen’s, but it is OK. If I wanted them to look like that (or close to that) I could probably peddle my days away on my bike or run my afternoon away on an elliptical. I just don’t wanna. And I don’t have time, I have priorities. I have babies and a husband and friends. Working out should fit into the schedule and lifestyle I already have, not overtake it. Never mind that we live in a society when the way a woman looks is scrutinized to the utmost degree. Women have better things to do than to sit around and try to make themselves look better for everyone else’s sake.

Don’t read me incorrectly here, there is nothing wrong with dressing nicely, throwing on some blush and a splash of perfume so that your significant other can basque in how amazing you are. I’m just saying that those things should be accents to how you already feel about yourself. The proverbial “cherry on top.” How much more does it show when a woman who is comfortable with herself does those things than when a woman who doesn’t feel good about herself makes all of that effort? TONS. There is absolutely something permeating about a woman’s contentment with how she feels in her own skin. And I promise you, your significant other and those around you will feel the same way. Sorry J. Lo. – but that is the true “Glow.” Or Estee Lauder -“Beautiful” doesn’t come in a bottle.

Here is an excerpt from one of my favorite passages in the Bible. The context in which I’m using it is one of the many and most simple forms in which we can apply it to our own lives. But that doesn’t mean that these words aren’t true and that these words aren’t given to us by our creator as an affirmation of His love for us.

Psalm 129: 13-16
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

I’d love to start running or biking more often, sometime in the very near future. I’d love to feel better about and take care of myself. But what I would rather have more than either of those two things is to have peace with myself. To basque in God’s love and purpose. To rest comfortably as I am, with who I am.

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