The Academy Awards were last night.
A glamorous party, full of glamorous and important people?? Somehow, I think my invitation was lost in the mail or something.
Every year, there is article and think piece after blog post and write-up about how to better improve the Oscars telecast.
This year, they didn’t even have a host. And still, many decried it as a boring and tedious operation in Hollywood being self-congratulatory, indulgent and overly self-important.
Wait, that might have just been me, from the comfort of my couch, refreshing my Twitter feed.
Seriously, though, how many award shows does Hollywood need to pat itself on the back for being important? I say this as someone who loves movies, too. LOVES movies. I could do without the finger wagging from millionaires who have chefs and private planes, and their tear soaked cheeks as they act surprised for winning an award they have spent months campaigning for.
I promise you, I’m not bitter. And this is a tale as old as time, since the beginning of the twentieth century.
There are so many underappreciated, unrecognized people who work hard and necessary jobs in the real world. Personally, I wish we could give more props to moms.
I know, I’m obviously biased. But it’s true. We get it done, every day. Most of the time, without anyone even noticing.
So, I decided what some categories could be if an awards show like the Oscars were crafted for us moms. Because we deserve a prize, too, right? We would all show up, or would intend to show up, before a third of us had to cancel last minute because it’s still winter and germs are plentiful. Another small chunk of us wouldn’t even be able to escape our house undetected.
And this would all still be depending on how many of us could actually sync our schedules for the same day sometime this decade. We’d all wear dresses from Target, or leggings with pockets. And the show would wrap up before 9 p.m. because we’d barely be able to keep our eyes open.
This party is gonna be lit.
Best Emotional Breakdown
For the mom who loses her absolute mind in a McDonald’s parking lot. Or a Target aisle. Or in her closet while she’s searching for just five minutes of peace and quiet without having to hear her kid’s having a shouting match over a granola bar and the television remote. The tears. The heartbreak. The frustration. The journey. The secret stash of Twix bars she readily consumes to make it all stop. It could be any of these moments taking home the top prize.
Best Sound Editing While You’re Trying to Make a Damn Phone Call
Have you ever taken a phone call while sitting on the toilet behind a locked bathroom door? On the back porch in the middle of winter? Or while whispering from your linen closet because you’re terrified they’re going to find you? It could be a sequel to “A Quiet Place.” Whatever it takes to have the school principal, receptionist at the doctor’s office or your great Aunt Milly not think your house is haunted or a home for the criminally insane or an active hostage situation.
Best Original Dinner Plan
What can you do with ground beef and a can of green beans? The correct answer is what CAN’T you do with them. In a pinch an hour before you need to leave to take the kids to soccer practice, so you speed dial Dominos and make the kids eat off plastic plates and napkins in the car? Cereal and milk for dinner because you can’t even anymore? Ever heard your child tell you how much they don’t like “this dinner” before they have even tasted it? If this sounds like you, and your family’s five-star Michelin weeknight dining experience, you might be a winner.
Best Costume Design
And by costume, I mean the standard mom uniform. Tunic and leggings? Day four of the same black, stretchy yoga pants with cracker crumbs stuck to the front and your husband’s old Led Zeppelin shirt? Dry Shampoo and two day old mascara in the school drop off lane? You’ve got that red carpet razzle dazzle, girl. We see you.
Best Production Design behind a photo
Kids crying approximately three seconds before your photographer snapped your family photo at the Christmas tree farm? Messes scooted just out of frame so you could take a picture of your kid’s birthday cake you spend eighteen hours getting just right? Black and white filter on Instagram to mask the copious amounts of cups on your night stand or your dark under-eye circles? We see your effort to try to have it all together, mamma!
Best Animated Short to Buy you Just Twenty Minutes of Peace
For some reason, Paw Patrol is an unstoppable, potent force that once it gets its hooks in you, just won’t let go. It’ll answer a hundred questions you didn’t even ask, and all the information gained from it (where is that purse chicken this time??) will be forced upon you. Sort of like the Kardashians. Or, if educational shows are more your flavor, perhaps the classic Little Einsteins is more your speed. Just don’t let it be a show about a singing backpack or a little boy whose name rhymes with “Malliou.”
Best Picture of a mom trying her best
Let’s be honest, we are all winners in this instance, aren’t we? I’ve never come across a mother yet who isn’t trying her best, but believing she’s messing this entire operation up. The truth is, there aren’t enough awards for moms who get things done. And really, instead of a statue that would make a great door stop or a plaque on the wall we would have to dust, we’d rather have our kids turn out to be fabulous little people who are kind, smart and successful. There is no greater reward. And it’s honestly the one, despite our efforts, we just don’t expect. But we should. We really should.
Honestly, moms, I think we would have a ratings hit. Don’t you?